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Bachelor Recap – Episode 2

By: Zak Waddell, ‘The Bachelorette’ contestant on Season 9  //  Follow him on Instagram at @RealZakWaddell 

With week 1 behind us, we say goodbye to a group of ladies that never experienced life in the Bachelor Mansion… or almost never. Kimberly has tenacity and most importantly, a good reason to stay.  When she approaches Chris and makes her plea, she doesn’t wring the mop of flowing emotion. Instead, she asks him reasonably to consider letting her stay not because she did or said anything abrasive, but simply because she wasn’t able to spend any time with him.

Part of me sees the pageantry of night one as a 10,000 year time-lapse of the Galapagos… only the strongest survive. But if there is one thing Chris has established, he is kind and sensitive. We all get the feeling she won’t last long, as does Chris, but the gentlemen in him just can’t send her home embarrassed.

Let’s address for a minute and only a minute Jillian’s black-out bikini bottoms. Is (1) ABC taking a stance against thongs, (2) foreshadowing and supporting a joke on personal grooming, or (3) have testosterone boosters become a supplementary option for women in this health crazed fitness nation?  I vote #2.

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Next the tractor race. I don’t know what’s more shocking: how slow the tractors were (or) how fast Ashley I. is. She oozes sexuality. From the purposeful way she etches her Cleopatra eyes, to the coy way she tilts her head and seems to coil her body. Like a cobra before the strike, she has a tantalizing effect on Chris. But oddly, at the same time she strikes, with “the most overtly sexual, handsy kiss in Bachelor history” (in my best Chris Harrison voice) we find out she is a VIRGIN! I am still waiting for the pause to sink in… and yet nothing is happening.

Maybe it takes a guy to understand this one… she’s a prude.  Anyone that invest that much in a kiss is compensating for something they are lacking, something they don’t want to give up… the passionate consummation of their whole self.  Like a wet sponge dangling before the tired, dry eyes of an exhausted camel – this is a cruel trick. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the player… just not the game.

Mackenzie baffles me. It’s not because she is young and seemingly naïve. That is easy to explain. Instead, her half-developed, whimsical thoughts seem brilliantly calculated and plotted. In trying to complement Chris on his strong nose, a definite masculine feature found in studies to attract women, she somehow insults him into seeing himself as a Gonzoian Muppet. Maybe Mackenzie doesn’t keep up with recent psychological studies on attractiveness, but somehow she knows the vehicles at work. When all is said and done, the interaction doesn’t go well.

But I am left not knowing who to blame: is it Chris for not recognizing he is being complimented on his masculinity (or) Mackenzie for not being more polished? Either way I can’t see this dynamic working.

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Megan and Chris are very similar to me. Both are genuine, sincere and unapologetically transparent. I thought she was a sparkling jewel in the monochromatic hues of Earth’s painted canyon. Revealing her father’s recent death was difficult to listen to, much less deliver. I never got the feeling she was using the story as leverage to win his attention or pity. I did get the feeling Megan is emerging from the haze of her father’s death. Knowing little about the show, she is letting the experience vault herself back into a life of love, a life she may have temporarily lost faith in. I like them together, but I fear she may get lost in the shuffle of more assertive girls.

The Zombie date was the Ashley S. show.  I don’t think its drugs. Well, maybe a combination of prescription drugs and alcohol. I do know Ashley S. demands attention. If the attention is not on her, she will find a way to fabricate a reason to require it all.  I just have no respect for attention hungry people, especially when foul play is used. I can’t explain why Chris kept Ashley S.  It seems Chris prefers intrigue to blandness, risk-taking to complacency…blondes to brunettes.

The last thing I am going to touch on is Brit. By now Brit knows she is the front-runner. And with this sleeping monster living inside of her, Brit seems to breathe forth a hot, sinister arrogance.  When she is around Chris, the monster is fully out. With all the animal magnetism of Medusa and all the disorienting allure of the Sirens… Chris is lost when he is with her. It’s too early to tell if she is just a temptress loving the warm glow of the heat-lamp… but if I had that creature living in a terrarium in my house, I would already have a for-sale ad on Craigslist.

Until next week… peeeeeeace.

Zak